I stood in front of my dressing table staring at myself in the mirror. I had my school uniform on. I was contemplating the day I had ahead of me. I had decided it would be my last day at school as I didn't want to be pregnant and around people watching me grow. I think I was also a bit embarrassed. What was the point of going to school if your not going to be able to finish anyway. I thought to myself 'well Emily! Time to grow up, your going to be a Mum and move in with Jay'. I got my bag that I had packed the day before and walked to the Kitchen. Mum was at the table and had breakfast ready as usual. I got a cup and had a cup of tea with mum as we ate. "Mum, I have decided to move in with Jay and I won't be going back to school after today" I stated. Mum looked up from her cup and told me that I didn't have to move out and that I should stick with school as long as possible. I explained how I was feeling and in the end she said "it's your life Emily". She wasn't happy I think a bit more disappointed than happy. She had been a teen mum also and she only wanted the best for Barry and I. I look back now and sometimes think that I should have listened to her more often. I guess we all do that thought.
When I arrive at our usual hangout everyone was there. I told them I was leaving school and that I was keeping the baby. They were all so happy for me. So many of them wanted to be god parents and they all wanted to be the aunties and Uncles of this baby I was carrying. Wow when I write this down and look at it from an adults point if view I really was a baby having a baby but back then I didn't think if it that way.
School finished and I said my good byes and everyone said we will see you soon Emily, we will come and visit. I was so torn. I really was going to miss them all and spending 90% of your waking hours with people like this they were like family.
I got home that night and Jay came over. We talked for ages in my room and he ended up staying the night (it wasn't like mum or Arthur could have a problem with it I was already pregnant). Mum wasn't happy about it but she didn't say a word to either of us. When we woke the next morning Jay said "get your stuff, you can move in today". I looked at him, I really didn't want to leave but I had too. I also didn't want to say this to him as I didn't want to upset him. I got some clothes together and some other things but most of the stuff I left in my room. One of the big issues for me was that we were moving on to Jay's parents house with his mum, dad and sister. We were going to be sleeping on that fold out mattress. The first time I moved out it was because I didn't get on with Arthur and this time it was because I had too, I was having his baby. Brings tears to my eyes as I write this.
I walked out with my bag and mum stood up. She came over to me and hugged me she whispered in my ear "the door is always open Emily, I love you sweetheart". I had tears in my eyes and held her so tight. I told Mum we would visit all the time and as I said this I looked at Jay. Jay said " we will. She'll be fine I'll look after her". As we left the house I stopped at the door way and turned to look at mum "I love you Mum" was all I could say. I saw tears in her eyes and it broke my heart.
When we got to Jay's we walked up the winding staircase in through the front doors. When you enter the front door and look to your right there was the lounge room and in front of that an area that had a dining table directly ahead was kitchen. If you turn left you walk down a short hall area first door on the left is Jay's sisters room the door directly ahead was his parents room you the turn right to the next hall first door on your left is Jay's room walk a little further up on the right is the bathroom and straight ahead is the closed in back veranda that adjoined to kitchen. There were also a set of Ataris inside that led down to the laundry and the garage.
We entered Jay's room. I didn't have anywhere to put my clothes so I just out my bag in the corner. Jay said on his bed and told me to sit also. I did what I was told. No one was home at the time. We talked for a bit and Jay said "well I don't know what were going to do, I'm not working and your pregnant". Wow these are the first words I heard after moving away from my mum and being pregnant. All I wanted was a hug.
Jay started play fighting with me out of the blue. Maybe it was his way of cheering me up at the time then all of a sudden he pinned me down on the fold out mattress. He said "see if I wanted to Fuck you I could do it any time" what!!! Where did this come from we were play fighting then this!!. I said "Jay get off your hurting me" he laughed and said "I'm in control here". Was he joking? Did he think this was funny? I started to cry as thoughts of Dan ran through me head while he sat on top of me laughing... I was petrified all my strength gone. Did I deserve this? Is this way way it's always going to be? He hoped off and started kissing me and as he did I couldn't stop crying. He wiped years from my eye and said "I was just joking Emily". I didn't say a word I really didn't want to upset him. My strength had gone. All I could think is Emily why didn't you fight back?
Jay got up and shut his door then came back to the mattress and laid beside me by this time it was early afternoon. He took off his shirt and started drying my tears "Emily, I so sorry, I didn't think, I'll never do it again" he whispered in to my ear as he kissed my neck. All I was thinking is he wants to have sex now, I don't want to do this. He took off my pants as he kissed down my stomach. I was cringing and the tears would not stop. I couldn't say no that would upset him, was I being stupid?. He had sex with me and when he had finished he rolled over got his shirt and went out to the kitchen to get himself a drink. I laid there still crying but silently. I heard him coming back and quickly put my pants back on and wiped my eyes. Jay said "let's go for a drive to see Steven". I quickly got up and walked out the front and down the stairs towards the car. I waiting at the passenger door as he locked the house up.
When we arrived at where Steven was staying he got in the car and Jay started driving. We drove to a back road just out of town. Jay pulled the car over in the middle of nowhere got out and went to the boot of the car. When he got back in the car he had a bong mad out of an orche bottle ( I didn't know what it was back then as I had never seen one before) he reached over me to the glovebox and got a bowl and pair of scissors out and started chopping up his dope. The whole time I was thinking, (OMG! He smokes pot what sort of life is this going to be). They started smoking away I didn't want to look all I could hear was a bubbling sound. Jay looked over and said "do you want one Emily?" I yelled at him "are you kidding me I'm pregnant" SMACK! I didn't see it coming he punch me in the face "don't every fucking speak to me like that again" I started to cry and hold my face. Steven yelled at Jay "don't fucking hit her, what wrong with you she's you woman and pregnant" but his reaction was too late. I took my hand away from my face and there was blood on it. Jay saw the blood and immediately said "I'm so sorry Hon, I didn't mean it" he tried to touch my face but I pulled away. I opened the door and got out of the car and started running up the road ( I don't know where I thought I was going but I was going away from Jay). He got out of the car and chased me till he caught up with me. He grabbed my arm and sung me around. He kept apologizing then he started to cry. "Emily, I am truly sorry I don't know what came over me, hit me Emily! Hit me". I said I can be with someone who hits me. He cried harder and said "I love you Emily, I love you more than you will every know. I was a fucking idiot, I'm so sorry hon" then he pulled me in close to him. I felt sorry for him, I hated seeing people cry and I had made him cry. " I'm sorry Jay don't cry, it's ok I'll stay". We turned and walked back to the car. Jay opened the door for me and I got in to the car. Before Jay got in Steven said " Are you ok Emily?" I told him I was fine. I looked down and saw blood all over the front of my shirt. I looked in the rear view mirror and realized Jay had split my lip and it would stop bleeding. I pulled my shirt up and held it to the cut hoping it would stop.
They smoke a bit more and then we drive off and dropped Steven at home. By this stage it was early evening and when we pulled up Jay's mum and dad where there along with Jay's sister. I rushed inside still covering my mouth and straight in to the bedroom. I quickly took off my shirt and changed so they wouldn't see the blood.
When I came out my lip was swollen and split but the bleeding had stopped. Jay's dad asked what had happened. Jay looked at me and I quickly responded with " I tripped getting in to the car and hit my lip on the car door". Jay's dad asked his mum to get me an ice pack. He asked us all to sit at the table as he had something important to discuss.
I will take you back a bit here. In one of my earlier confessions you will remember that day I was walking down to a sport carnival with my friends and Jay pulled up and got out and started threatening one of my friends (we will call her Alice) as she had been bullying his sister well this discussion was about her.
We all sat down. Jay and I on one side of the table. Jay's sister and mother on the other side and Jay's dad at the head of the table.
Jay's dad said "I have a way to fix Alice". We all looked at him and he continued "I have a guy that is willing to get rid of her and there will be no more problem" my head was racing excuse my language but I was thinking 'are you fucking kidding me? Did he just insinuate he was going to have Alice killed?, what the hell is going on here, is he crazy' in my world if you had a problem with someone you faced them and dealt with it not organise a hit man to get rid of them.
No one said a word until Jay's sister said "no dad, it's ok I can handle it really". He looked at my face and must have seen the shock. I didn't say a word. Alice was my friend and yes she didn't like Jay's sister and yes she could be a bully but kill her! No way, how could that enter anyone's mind every... She's a kid...
Jay's father stood up and said "not a word to anyone" then he walked away.
What should I do? He was serious! Should I call her and warn her? Could I talk him out of it? Jay and I went back to our room and I flopped on the mattress. "Jay was your dad serious?" I asked "yep" was his response. I had to be smart here and say the right thing. " Jay you should talk him out of it, I can talk to Alice and get her to leave your sister alone, your dad doesn't need to do this. What if he gets caught and had to go to goal is it really worth it, let me talk to her I promise not to say anything about the talk we just had" I hope I played that right was all I could think. Jay looked at me then said "Ok Emily, I'll get him not to do anything for now. I'll tell him to leave it with us and I'd it doesn't work then he can do what he had to do". Jay did just that and I had to organise to meet Alice.....
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