SIXTY THIRD INSTALMENT

This day couldn't have gotten any worse. All I could think is that if he had beaten me I can handle that pain but to do this! 

I heard Adam drive off. He hadn't come in with me and to be honest I didn't remember getting inside. I was definitely messed up. I got up, walked past Tina and pulled the curtain back to see Adam drive away. I remember thinking to myself 'Why! What have I don't in this life or another to deserve this?'

Tina came over and sat me down on the bed. When I finally realized she was still in my room I looked her in the eyes. She looked so confused and worried. I just sat there looking right through her. "Emily! What happened" I heard Tina say. Tears ran down my face and I started to blubber like a child. I couldn't get the words out. Tina got me a tea and just held me till I was in a state that I could relay what had happened. When I had left the house I was really high then we come back and I'm like this it must have really confused her but not as much as it did me.

"Adam took me to the doctors" saying these words hurt my throat trying to get them out. "Why? What's wrong? Is everything ok? You haven't said anything to me. Are you ok?" All of these questions rolled off her tongue in quick succession. "Tina!! Stop!!" I yelled. I was taking my pain out on her and I didn't mean it but it just happened. She looked at me wife eyed, she knew there was something else going on.

"I am so sorry" I said to her as I started to cry all over again. "Adam took me to the doctor" I paused as I couldn't bring out the words. Tina didn't say anything she sat there quietly and waited with anticipation. Through my blubbering and gasping for air I spat out "Adam has organized for me to have an abortion" that was it as I said those words my entire body collapsed.

"Who the fuck does he think he is?" 

Obviously Tina was angry but she looked at me and realized that her reaction was not what I needed right now. We sat for hours then I called my girlfriend who was watching Ava so I could say good night to her and make sure she was ok. As I heard her voice it took everything to hold back my tears. She was having a ball  and I was so happy she didn't have to see me this way.

Later that night as I lay awake in my bed I heard Adams car pull up. He came inside and sat on the bed next to me. I pretended to be asleep. He leant down and kissed me on my cheek then he wrapped his arms around me. Even after everything that happen this day I needed him to hold me and tell explain why. I turned over and faced him. He could see I had been crying since I got home as the red swollen eyes were a dead give away.

"Adam, I need to know why?" I said looking him in the eyes. His eyes welled up as he said "I'm not ready to be a Dad, we need to have more time together before we think of having a baby" I didn't know what to think. We talked all night and didn't sleep. All night he was talking about our future and what we will be doing in 10 years but right now he wasn't able to have a baby in his life he wasn't ready and he wanted us to have a house and be settled before we had a baby.

I didn't speak much that night. What I can say is that he had me worried he would leave even though he didn't say it at all. If you have ever felt this way you will know. Mental abuse I honestly believe now looking back that's what it was. I finally found a guy that treated me like a princess after all the bad things I have endured. 

The next few days he went back to the same loving person I had met and for a while I thought he might change his mind.

It was a Thursday a day I will never forget. (This is hard)

I drove down to a local surgery where Adam had booked me in. Tina came with me this day. She was there to support me no matter what she would be there for me. As we parking the car I just sat there staring at nothing. I felt Tina put her hand on my arm. "You OK Emily?" She asked knowing that I wasn't. I faked a smile and pulled the keys out of the ignition and opened the door and walked to the door. I couldn't open the door I was shaking. Tina came over and opened it for me and I walked in. I felt dirty, sick and generally shit. As I got to the desk a nurse asked my details and walked me in to a change room. I got changed in to the blue robe she had given me and walked back out where they checked my temperature and blood pressure before putting in a drip in my hand. The whole time Tina stood next to me rubbing my arm. She knew this was killing me.

As they wheeled away my bed to the operating theatre I started to cry silently. They move me to a hard bed then before I knew it I was out.

When I woke up I the first person I saw was Tina. I woke crying. I didn't talk or make a sound. I was there a while when the doctor came and told me I could go and get changed and that everything had gone ok. Straight away I thought 'OK!! Nothing is ever going to be OK again' he asked how I got there as I was not suppose to drive. Tina said "let's call Adam", "no it's all good Tina you can drive my car" I said knowing that Tina didn't have a license and had no idea how to drive. I got to the car and entered the drivers side and drove us home.

I walked in to the house and collapsed on my bed. I was numb. No emotion, no thoughts I was blank. I had done something that I didn't want to do. 

Later that night Adam came home with Dave. I was on my bed and all I could hear is Tina losing it with him....