The next few months were hard. Grant and I had organised for Ava to stay one week on with him when he was here and one week with me. We did this so she wasn't feeling the separation too much. I wanted Winnie but he wouldn't let me take her so I was really happy about my friends moving in with me so we weren't alone, I always had the fear Jay would find us. He promised me the last time we spoke that no matter where I went he would find me. I was just hoping that the other side of Australia was far enough away...
Living in the house with Kerry and her partner was different. They were lovely people and always chipped in so this was good as there was no way I could have afforded to live in this house alone on my wage. The house was new and had a Mediterranean look, I loved it as it was very open plan.
I had a great call from my cousin Tina she was moving over so she could be with me. She wanted a change. Tina and I had spent a lot of time together when I was in Sydney and I missed having my family around. Ava also loved her so it was going to be good having family around again.
I took the day off work to go and pick up Tina from the airport. What I didn't realise is that she was a drinker and loved to party but that didn't change the fact that I loved her to bits. She didn't drink every day she just went all out when she was out clubbing. Tina was so beautiful, she had dark skin, dark hair and was very thin. She looked a little like Jennifer Love-Hewitt. Everyone thought she was gorgeous. When Tina stepped out in to the airport she was not walking straight and obviously had had a lot to drink on the way over but all the guys were swooning over her. I will guarantee that she did not buy herself one drink they would have been brought for her. Ava was ecstatic and Tina was just as happy.
I would introduce Tina to all my friends and we would go out on Friday and Saturday nights. These were my nights out. More on this later.
I would wake each day get Ava's breakfast and get her dressed and take her to daycare then I would take the 40 minute drive to the bank where I worked. I loved working at the bank as I had some independence and it felt good. I have never wanted someone paying for me and Ava I always supported her and myself without the help of others. I would go without as many parents do so she could have all that she needed.
I always got to call Mum and Pa on Sundays. I never missed a call this was my life line and the only connection to my family. I called mum and spoke with her for some time about life and what was happening. She as usual was always comforting and told me not to worry and that everything happens for a reason. She didn't know it at the time but those words would be pondered and disbelieved for years to come. I was soon to start my spiral.
After speaking with mum it was 7pm in New South Wales and much too late to call Pa. His routine was at 5pm to get Nan dinner then he would carry her up to the bathroom and bathe her then take her to bed all done by 7pm. I thought to myself "I'll call him tomorrow".
The worst day of my life so far...
As I woke this faithful day I felt a little ill. I had a strong feeling that I needed to call Pa. As I had to get Ava feed,dressed and to daycare and then get to work I thought to myself "I'll call him tonight as soon as I get home". I packed Ava in the car, dropped at daycare then drove down to work.
At 11.12am (I will never forget this) the Bank Manager came to me and said "Emily, your husband is on the phone, you can take the call out the back". Out the back was behind a screen just behind where my teller was. I walked to the phone and all I could think is "what does he want now". Grant never called me at work but I was a bit jaded with him so I wasn't thinking much else.
"Hello" I said. What followed next dropped me to the floor quicker that any physical hit I had ever taken. "Emily, you Grand Father is dead" Grant said, nothing more no you need to sit down, nothing. I dropped to the ground as my body felt so heavy that my legs could never hold it up. "Not my Pa" I cried "No not Pa, Oh my god no!" I continued. I didn't think I was being loud but before I knew it I had the bank manager and two tellers beside me whilst I held the phone to my ear with nothing but silence on the other end. "Emily, was it you Dad?" The Bank Manager asked as he took the phone from my hands. I didn't want to let that phone go I just wanted the words to come out of Grants mouth to change and not be what he just said but there was no hope of that. "Emily, let's get you home" the Bank Manager said to me then after that I don't remember anything.
I don't remember picking up Ava and I don't really remember much else at all that day. As I walked in the door the phone was ringing and Tina had answered it. She looked out at me and saw my face. I must have lost all colour but I know that day my eyes would have been swollen from crying. "Emily, it's you Mum" Tina said with concern on her face. I took the phone and gave Tina a huge hug before speaking. I didn't want to talk to mum as she was going to confirm what Grant had said however, I knew I had too. I told Tina I would take to call in my room. She held on the the dining phone until I walked in to my room and picked up the other hand set then I heard the click as she put the phone down.
"Hello" I said to mum quite timidly. "Emily, sweetheart Pa has passed away" mum said choking back on her own tears. "Not Pa, Mum please why wasn't it Nan" I broke down. I couldn't really speak. Mum was also a mess but trying to stay together for me as always she was the parent and put her feelings aside though she was crying and I could hear her tears. I know it sounds harsh but since Nan had her brain haemorrhage we had been expecting a call like this one but I did not expect my Pa. Mum and I sat silently on the phone for some until Mum told me that the funeral was in 4 days time. There was no way I could afford to flight over for the funeral. This was killing me in more ways than one.
After getting off the phone with Mum I went out and saw Tina. She knew this was bad. "It's Nan isn't it?" She asked. I looked at her and broke down shaking my head no. I don't remember if Tina was as upset as me but she didn't live near Pa and growing up so she only saw him on holidays. Pa was like my Dad not just a Pa and he was my hero. Tina was upset but she made the call to my Aunty her Mum. They spoke for some time and then when she got off the phone she told me she was flying back for the funeral.
That night Grant came and got Ava. I suppose this was his way of helping me out. He still didn't ask how I was or if I was OK. This made me hate him even more than him cheating on me. I went to bed that night and cried myself to sleep. I willed Pa to come and visit me but it didn't happen I was devastated. The next morning I didn't go to work. I said I my bed and wrote my Pa a letter. I can't remember every word but I do remember that I asked him to make sure he embarrassed the family and made then all hold hands and stay together. pa was always our glue and now that he was gone I really was worried that it would fall apart.
The morning Tina was flying out I handed her the envelope and asked he to put it with Pa before they lay him to rest. I needed to say goodbye.
This day I made a promise to myself. If I ever have the feeling I need to call someone I will as this is another sense that we have. I honestly believe when you are that close to someone you just know when something is wrong.
I miss my Pa every day. This day was the beginning of my spiral. I had lost a part of me and the worst thing is that again like Nigel I felt guilty, guilty that I didn't call ....
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