The night of your wedding is supposed to be romantic. My dream night would have been rose petals on a bed in a hotel room. Champagne would have been poured and romance would have been in the air.
Well my night was far from it. Because the resort had double booked we had to stay in the old caravan up the back of the property. There were no flower, champagne or candles. The light didn't work and the bed smelt as we had been having a bit of rain so it was a damp smell. Grant did not try and carry me over the threshold as all girls dream. I walked up the rusty old stairs with Grant behind me.
Grant was a bit drunk so our night was spent with me laying watching the ceiling and Grant snoring. I cried that night and not tears of happiness all my emotions had built up. I was asking myself;
1. Did I do this just so Ava had a Dad ?
2. Did I do this so I wasn't alone and was safe?
3. I'm to young for this.
To be honest you are suppose to have your heart sing when you are happy and mine wasn't. It had been crying for years. Broken in to pieces and I was hoping it would be glued back together. Then it dawned on me to pull myself together I was now a married woman and I had to look after my husband and daughter. I finally fell asleep.
When we woke the next day all our family and friends where out cooking a breakfast BBQ. I spent time with them all. Mum was so happy this day. You could see her beaming as she was proud of me and she really liked Grant. Everyone loved Grant so why was I not feeling it?
Pa walked over to me and put his arm around me "how are you feeling today sweetheart" he said quietly to me as he leant down. "Not bad Pa, I think it must have been all the plans and having all our family here, I must have been nervous" I replied. Pa looked at me and smiled. The look in his eyes told me he knew I was lying but he didn't say anything more about it. "You will always be welcome at Pa's you know that don't you Emily", "I do Pa. I love you" I replied. His words actual made me melt. As I write this I have the same feeling I had that day. I have tears in my eyes and I can hear his words exactly as he said them. " I love you too Emily and I always will" he leant over and kissed my cheek so very gently. He always, always knew how to make you feel like you were the only one that mattered. I am pretty sure he made the rest of my cousins feel the same but I saw Pa as my hero and I always will.
Later that day everyone started to leave and we had to pack to get ready to go. After everything was packed we said our goodbyes to Grant's parents, put Ava in the car and started our long trip home. The one thing this entire time I didn't have to think about was Jay. As we neared our home all the fears rushed back. What if he had been there? What if he came whilst we were unpacking? As I was thinking this Grant touched my leg and said "We're nearly home, don't worry about Jay Emily we will make sure he never comes near you again". I just smiled a fake smile. I know he was trying to make me feel better and it truly was nice that he realised what was going through my head but no one could every stop Jay. If Jay wanted to get me he would.
The next day Grant went back to work and I left with Ava early in the morning to go and spend time with some of my cousins as they lived about 45 minutes away. I couldn't have stayed in that house by myself. These daily trips happened everyday for months until one day Grant came home and told me that he had been posted to Western Australia.
"I can't move all the way to Western Australia and leave my Mum and Barry and everyone that I know" I said to Grant. I felt like he was trying to ripe my life apart. Take me and Ava away from everyone we knew and loved to a place we would know no one. "Emily let's go chat to your Mum and see what she thinks. At least this way you won't have to worry about hiding from Jay. We will be on the other side of Australia and I'm sure he won't come there". I walked in and woke Ava from her sleep "we're going to see Nanny baby girl" I said to her quietly as she was still half asleep. "Nana" she said excitedly then fell back asleep. Ava had the same look on her face when I mentioned Nanny (my mum) as I did when I saw or spoke of my Pa.
We got in the car and took the short drive to Mum's. Mum was a little surprised to see us but as always she took Ava and hugged her tight then missed my cheek and said hi to Grant. We spoke for ages and Grant pleaded his case. Not so much to Mum but to me. Mum looked at me and said "Emily it's only for a couple of years sweetheart, then you will be back by that time Jay would be long gone and you could live a life without worry". I had tears in my eyes that I would not let fall. I wouldn't speak up because I didn't really know how. Maybe what they were sawing was actually the best thing for Ava and I. We stayed for dinner then we went back to our house.
The move was organised quickly. We only had 3 weeks left in this town then we were off to the other side of the country. We were driving there so it was going to take a week. Grant said "it will be like a holiday". I was not so sure but as the days passed I tried looking for the light that was being drowned out by the clouds. I started to get a little excited. I new life maybe this is exactly what we needed. I had Grant and Ava so I would be fine.
The day before we left we had a removalist come and pack up our house ready to go. That night we stayed in a hotel. I had a cat "silvester" that I had to give away as he wouldn't travel well. The time had come to leave this house. Ava was put in her car seat, silvester was in a box ready to take to my friends house and our bags for the long trip were placed in the boot. As we were driving Silvester to his new home he pee'd in the box and it got all over the back seat. Well let me tell you the smell of male cat urine is discussing and if you have a male cat you will know this smell all to well. We had to wind the windows down in the car as it was so strong I was going to be sick. We pulled in to a service station and Grant ran in and got some Nil Odour. He put it in the air conditioning vents and trend them on high. That smell and silvester it one did not mix it made the car smell worst. Oh well nothing we could do now. We eventually dropped off Silvester and I cried as he had also been a protector. I have spoken much of what he got up to but in my book I will, he was a character.
When we first drove in to the hotel driveway Grant said to me "what this Emily, this is going to make you laugh". We all got out of the car and a valet came over to us. "Would you like me to park your car for you" he asked every so nicely. I looked at Grant knowing what that car smelt like and was a little embarrassed when I heard Grant say "of course, thanks for that" we turned to watch as this young guy got in the drivers side door and went to put the keys in to start the engine. He wound the windows down and started coughing. The poor guy it really did stink and I beat you a million he wasn't expecting that smell. When he started the car he looked over at us and there were tears in his eyes. I lost it completely and started laughing the heartiest belly laugh I had ever done, tears rolled down my face and I couldn't stop. It was so hard I almost pee'd myself and my belly really did hurt as I want h him disappear underground in to the parking bays. We turned and walked inside.
The hotel was so very beautiful. I had never really stayed in a place so nice. I was a little embarrassed I wasn't dressed up and wearing makeup. Grant however looked like he was right at home. He got the keys to the room and ensures everything was ready for us. As soon as we got to the room I wanted to call Mum and Barry and get them over. I knew I wouldn't see them for such a long time and my heart was being torn in two.
Mum arrived with Barry and we all went and had a meal. Mum held Ava the entire time. "You look after my girls" she warned Grant. He promised he would. We didn't talk all that much during dinner. We had to head out really early the next morning so this was to be the last time I saw Mum or Barry for years as I didn't think at the time about holidays. We got back to the hotel. Mum and Barry came in for a short time then they had to leave. "I'll miss you sweetheart but I will just be a call away and you can come back on holidays any time" she said with tears rolling down her cheek. I couldn't hold the tears back. My heart started to race and it felt like it was going to break out of my chest. I was aching inside my throat started to burn and close up and my chest was sore. This is what it feels like when you are heart broken, well it does for me anyway. Tears were rolling down my face and I felt they would never stop. I was huffing trying to breath and talk. "Mum, I don't want to go!" I was begging her in my head to tell me to stay but she didn't. "You'll be fine sweetheart, you a wife now and Grant will look after you and Ava" she held me for so long, I didn't want to let her go. Ava started crying "Nanny, No go Nanny" Barry picked her up. Ava didn't realise we were going for a long time. It she knew something was happening. "Bar No go Bar" she said to Barry through her own little tears. Well at this stage my heart felt like it had exploded as I hated seeing Ava upset. "Uncle Bar will see you soon Ava you be good for Mummy and Daddy" he said as he kissed her head. Barry didn't cry but this pulled on his heart strings and a single tear came down his cheek. Barry walked over and by this stage he was quiet a bit taller than me "I love you Sis, I'll see you soon" he said softly but firmly. He knew how long we would be gone and I think it was hurting him also as I had never been that far away from him before and we were so very close but he was going to be strong for Mum and me right at this moment. "You look after Mum and yourself and I love you too" I gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Come on Mar we have to go" Barry said as he put his arm around her shoulders. Grant put his arm around mine at the same time. "I love you Mum" I yelled after her. " I love you too sweetheart, take care of my girls" were her final words as she got in to the lift. I turned around and Grant pulled me in to his chest as I sunk down. ( I have a lump on my throat as I write this and tears rolling down my cheeks).
I grabbed Ava and held her and tried to calm her down as she was crying out for Nanny and Bar. I realised I needed to pull myself together and be strong for her. I finally got her to sleep a few hours later.
I walked in to the room where Grant and I were staying and he just wanted to have sex. I did not feel like this at all. My heart was breaking. I thought to myself what is it with men and wanting to have sex all the time can't they just hold you. We had sex or I should say he did as I was crying the entire time. Not out loud and not so he could see but I was as I really just wanted to be held.....
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